Sarah thought Nick was real partner potential. He was hot, successful, they were both in their early thirties, and he seemed really interesting. They had several fun dates, but she had no idea whether he liked her, or what he wanted. She worried about being too serious – she didn’t want to scare him off. She didn’t want to ask anything too personal too early. So she allowed Nick to ‘call the shots.’ He didn’t ask her any personal questions, so she didn’t ask him any either. Each week she waited for him to text, which came around 6pm Friday night. They would catch up for dinner, chat a lot, go back to hers for sex, then he would go home late so that he could be up early to play golf with his mates on Saturday. Then she would not hear from him until the next Friday. Can you see anything wrong with this scenario?
Well, there is a lot wrong with this scenario, but for now I will focus on one common flaw of modern dating. One of the biggest problems with dating today is how little some people reveal themselves. I want to share with you how to avoid this common trap.
If your date talks a lot about other people– who they know, where they go, what they have - it can be entertaining, but they are not really opening up much about themselves. You get a sense of what they are interested in, but not who they are. That’s a warning sign that they are either avoiding talking about themselves, or they don’t know who they are. Where is the depth? They are either hiding problems or lack self-awareness. If you want someone who is aware, happy and with little emotional baggage, you want them to share more of who they are, what they are passionate about, what they stand for and believe in.
If you are the one who just talks about other people, places and things, then you need to practice being more vulnerable. Expressing these deeper aspects of yourself helps you connect better with your date. At the very least it can also speed up the process of finding out whether you are compatible with each other, rather than waste a lot of time barely scratching the surface. If your date starts to open up emotionally, encourage more of it, and give a little more of yourself too. When you both feel an emotional connection from the conversation, it is more likely to lead to something more serious.
I hope this helps you better understand the important "getting to know each other" phase of dating . If you want to know more, my book ‘Closer’ explains in detail how to create strong emotional connections. Satisfying each other’s emotional needs builds trust and respect, passion and commitment to each other. Closer is available now at bookshops and online stores.
At Charleston Consulting, we offer a variety of services that can help your psychological needs. If you would like to learn more, please check out the Thrive Learning Program course which can help to improve your quality of life.
https://www.petercharleston.com/courses
Feel free to send me an email and tell me what you think. I am happy to have a chat with you about how coaching psychology could help.